Q&A: telling your mom you're going out with someone

This question made me feel old, but mostly just because of the smilies and lingo. Usually I trim out any preliminary stuff and long time/first time comments, but I left it all in here. Anonymous writes:

"M'ello Moxie,

             Just today I found your site, &, I thought these kinds of sites were only on movies! XD But yeah, anyway, I read that you're a "mother giving advice", &, I'm not really sure if this is a question to go with your site, but I'll just try it, anyway.

Okay, well, I'm a 15-year old, male, just, making the best of life. ;D Love the internet, video games, (Seeing how you're a mom, I'd like to say the video games series, "Pokemon" is excellent for kids. Seriously, it does involve math to train the creatures. But, not just math, but High School Algebra/Geometry. :O I always wondered why it's rated, "E" though... XP)  reading, (&, again, I noticed you're a reader yourself. Just thought I'd recommend, "Dr. Franklin's Island". One of the best books I've ever read, but, I just can't remember the author at the moment... |D) drawing, wishing I was born Japanese, whateverz, but while online, I met this girl on a forum...

I'm 100% sure, she's not one of those "s3x" pervs, 'cuz, I've live-chatted with her on a webcam, & even talked to her on the phone. At first, it was just talk on the video games, anime, HTML web building, we both shared together the same interests, but then, it got to, I-like-you's. (It's been over a year or more since I began to talk to her. & before I start ranting about her...)

Both of us live on the separate ends of the US, (Random fact: & we even share the same religion! Christian. ;P) but by the end of this coming school year, I'm going to move, not where she lives, but, a few states apart.

&, that's where I am. |D As wildly twisted, as it sounds, I'm not trying to, like, push your limits or anything! This is where, as you said, "give advice to moms". (<-- I doubt that's a quote. ^_^;) But what I mean is... What would you do if your son told you all of that, above? Or, even better, what would you do in that kinda, "situation"?

I don't really want to know the punishment, (Hope there isn't! X_X) just, the reaction... (If you get me. o_o;)

Then, finally, the last factor: My mom's a single parent, who, ever since I went to Middle School, told me, "not to date" anyone. @_@ (Because of her time with my father wasn't, "heartwarming"... :\) & now, I fall in love with a girl, in secret. (I'm gonna sound like a +A student or something for saying this, [Well, I sorta am; I finally got accepted into English 2-Honors, &, just for the bragging of it, Bio-honors too! 8D] 'cuz my story gives me the "deja vu" of Shakespeare's, "Romeo & Juilet"; seeing what separates us is distance. XP)

>_< Erm, well, I dunno. It seems hard to describe... You know? I just hope you understand it all, & by chance, I can get a response to it all. :D


~A fan. ;D (As of, today; seeing how a Google'd search for, "how to tell mom you're going out with someone" found your site. XP)

P.S: I've been re-reading this over & over again, doubting whether to send this or not, &, to tell you the truth, I actually sound somewhat, I dunno, I can't think of a word for it, but, "proper" is all I got... o_O;

P.S.S: After some more doubting on the departure of this email, (I've been typing this, for, 40 minutes, tops.) if this does get status as a "question" for your site, please, feel free to post it. :P Just, keep me anonymous(<--sp? Even with honors, spelling's my drawback. >_>) though. |P

Finally, sorry if I wasted your time, (Hope I didn't... D:) but between the whole, "cross-fire", I've gotta say, thanks. ^_^ (<-- & sorry if you don't get the "smilies"... I. CAN'T. HELP. IT. XP)"

I love the word "whateverz" so much I think I'm going to start using it myself all the time. Especially in work meetings.


It sounds like there are a few things going one here. One is that you're in love, and you'd really like to be able to tell your mom, because being in love makes you feel great and you want to share it with the person who's most important to you. (I think your mom would be absolutely thrilled to know how much you want her to know you, BTW.)

The other is that your mom was still (as of a couple of years ago), and may even be now, feeling profoundly burned by her relationship with your father. It makes her feel very protective of you, and made her make the comment that you shouldn't date anyone to you a few years ago. But I don't think what she really meant by that was that you shouldn't ever date anyone. I think what she meant was more along the lines of "This has been such a painful experience for me and I never want you to go through what I've been through. I want you to know yourself, be true to yourself, and only become romantically involved with people who will be honest with themselves and you, and treat you like the treasure that you are." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she might not even remember that she told you not to date anyone, because it isn't the dating that scares her so much, but the broken heart and derailing of your life that could result from a bad relationship.

So. What do you have here? You have a son who loves his mom and really wants to be able to share the wonderful feeling of being in love with her. And you've got a mom who loves her son so much she only wants him to be in healthy relationships, but is not so excited about love in general. I think if I were your mom, I'd really want to have the chance to talk to you about what I figured out in hindsight about how I got into a bad relationship, and what would have helped me avoid it if I'd known it when I was younger. So maybe that's where you should start, by asking your mom to tell you about what she's learned about herself and what she wished she'd known about herself and relationships. It's a conversation you can have without her having to tell you specifics about her and your father (which, eew) or having to badmouth him (you're definitely old enough to understand that sometimes people just can't be good for another person even when they're not necessarily bad people in general).

Having a conversation like that is going to open up the communication so you can tell her about your relationship with your girlfriend (Can I even call her that? Is there some smilie for "the girl I've never met IRL but who knows me better than anyone else"?). I think when you do tell her she's going to have a lot of conflicting feelings. She'll probably be happy for you, worried for you, curious about the girl, grateful that you're so far apart physically (don't think we don't start worrying about STDs and pregnancy when our kids are really young), a little angry that you didn't tell her before, nostalgic about whoever it was she was in love with when she was 15, and proud of you all at the same time. But she's definitely going to be glad that you told her. And you are going to feel extremely relieved to have some transparency between the two halves of your life.

(Oh, and FWIW, the smilies don't bug me, but you're addicted to commas. I think your English 2 Honors teacher is going to have some work to do on the comma-love before it's time to write college application essays. ;-P)

Any moms of teens out there want to comment? Or does anyone want to share what happened with the person they dated when they were 15? Mine ended up seeing someone else behind my back after playing cat-and-mouse with me for two years. You?